the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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