my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
