I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just gift wrapped bread.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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