I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
