So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
