Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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