I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The power of my boobs compel you
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
