I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
