there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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