Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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