I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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