My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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