She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
