Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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