Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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