speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
