"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
