nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
