I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
