Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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