shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
