Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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