Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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