i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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