Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
