You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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