Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
honey bunches of taint.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
