I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
