had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
