My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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