I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
