A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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