Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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