I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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