just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
