i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
