A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize