Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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