I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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