No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize