Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
