Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Damn victory sex feels great
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
