I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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