oh god the rape fog is back!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
