My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
