My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
