Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
