you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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