I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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