this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
