the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
