Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
