It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
