So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Barsexuality is the new black.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
