I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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