If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
