if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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