i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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