Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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