She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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