just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
