I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
